Heaven Piercing Arrows
by Cronomon
Summary: Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb! That's the District 12 way!
1. Heaven Piercing Arrows

Wow I don't even know what I'm doing here but hey I'm killing your fandom with this absolute parody of The Hunger Games.

Apologies in advance, please feel free to click the back button.

* * *

"But what if I get reaped?" Primrose whimpered.

I offered her the best reassuring smile I could and ruffled her hair. "Walk with your head held high, Prim. Don't worry about the little things. You're Primrose Everdeen! You're way better than those stupid capitol people."

"But that doesn't answer my question, Katniss-."

"Call me SIS!"

"... okay, fine, Sis. So what if I get reaped?"

"You won't! And if you do, I'll be there right next to you! You won't be alone!"

"But I'll _die_-."

"Okay, listen, Prim. Right now, I need you to stop worrying and put on that dress that makes you look like a duck 'cause we've got a Reaping to attend and we probably shouldn't be late."

/~/~/

"Primrose Everdeen."

A soft sigh fluttered through the crowd because Prim was twelve-years-old and wow, that really sucked.

But, you know, she's my sister. And capitol people don't get to have their way when it comes to MY SISTER.

"I won't let you lay a hand on Prim! I VOLUNTEER!"

That's right, bitches, Katniss Everdeen volunteers. We all know I'm the only girl in this District who stands a chance, anyway. I mean, I've got a freaking bow and arrow, who _didn't_ wish that I was the one who went?

"I'm the one who will grasp the sun no matter how hot it is! The one who will pierce the heavens above with my arrows! That's right! I'm Katniss Everdeen!"

The guy who got reaped was Peeta. He seemed a bit wimpy but he's a baker's son so he must be good.

"Bring it, Capitol people and other districts!"

/~/~/

"Wow! Look at this pig! It's awesome!"

Outshone by a pig? Is that how it's gonna go down?

Gamemakers, do you _really_ want to play this game with me?

So yeah! If you wanna ignore me, that's right, I'll shoot an arrow right through your stupid pig's apple!

"Just who the hell do you think I am?! I'm Katniss Everdeen! The one who will pierce the heavens - and your pig - with my arrows! I entered the Games to save my little sister! And I'm not gonna get outdone by a pig!"

Bitches be crazy.

But yeah, I got a twelve. Suck on that, Cato.

/~/~/

"Listen, Peeta. Don't believe in yourself-."

"Oh. Well, thanks, Katniss, I-."

"I believe in you! Believe in the me that believes in you!"

"I... I guess I can work with that-."

"NOW LET'S SEE YOU GRIT THOSE TEETH!"

Contrary to popular belief, I did not hit Peeta because I was mad at him for suddenly proclaiming his love for me on public tv.

I hit him because I'm Katniss Everdeen.

/~/~/

_10..._

_9..._

_8..._

_7..._

_6..._

_5..._

_4..._

_3..._

If I could just push someone off their plate thingy with my mind and make them blow up...

_2..._

Die, Cato, die.

_1..._

Darn.

The bloodbath started.

You know, people from District 12 usually die here. But I'm not just anyone from District 12. I'm Katniss Everdeen. And my district partner is Peeta Mellark. Together, we'll go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb! 'Cause that's the District 12 way!

Dammit, Clove, stop trying to kill me with your stupid knives.

/~/~/

And so I find myself in a tree. Like a squirrel. The girl at the bottom of my tree is really struggling to start a fire. I want to tell her that birch bark and not grass is a good way to make the flames catch, but that would require me giving away my position and then having to kill her. Which would leave the fire forgotten.

So I watch the sky for dead people, notice that my super awesome district partner bro isn't dead, and go to sleep.

Oh, no, wait, the Careers showed up.

Peeta's with them. Not cool, dude.

They killed the chick. Super uncool.

/~/~/

Fireballs? Bitch please!

"Even if I'm digging my own grave I'll keep digging! When I break through that means I've won! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?"

Forest fire? Bring it!

"I'm not some District 12 wimp! I'm KATNISS EVERDEEN!"

Burn on my arm? Like that'll stop me!

"BELIEVE IT!"

Careers splashing through the river like they're in a pool party just to try to kill me?

_Come at me, bro._

/~/~/

I quickly found another Katniss Tree, as I'd come to call them, and scaled it easily because I'm just that epic. Cato, meanwhile, failed.

Ha. Loser.

Then Glimmer decided to completely abuse the bow she acquired and shot some arrows into the tree next to me. Careers are idiots.

I spent the night in my Katniss Tree, and the Careers spend the night at the base of my Katniss Tree. The next morning, I sawed off a hive of bees or trackerjacks or whatever they're called and killed two of the Careers.

Granted, I did get a few stings along the way, and I may have spent a few minutes or hours flopping uselessly on the ground while Peeta yelled at my face... but I still got to kill two of them!

I woke up some number of hours or days later and hey, it turned out the awesome little kid Rue was taking care of my wounds while I was out.

"Thanks, man," I said to her.

"No problem, Katniss-."

"Call me SIS!"

/~/~/

We came up with a kickass plan to sabotage the Careers by blowing up their food supply, but something went wrong and Rue died.

/~/~/

"So it's just us and him," Peeta said dramatically.

It was nighttime and the two of us were having a staredown with Cato on the cornucopia. Beneath us were a bunch of raging muttations trying to kill us. Only one (or two, 'cause now Peeta and I get to win as a team) could get out of this alive.

"I am going to kill you two," Cato said. "And I am going to win. I'm going to go home and be crowned a victor, and-" blahblahblah. There was some stuff about honor and pride, I think, but I wasn't really paying attention.

"Cato!" I declared, cutting him off because screw it, I'm more important than he'll ever be. I pointed my finger at him, although I'm not too sure if he could see it considering it was really dark and stuff. "Let me tell you this."

Dramatic pause.

"Even if we were to be enslaved in the galaxy's cycle of rebirth, the feelings that were left behind will open the door. Even if the infinite universe were to go against us, our burning blood will cut through fate! We'll break through the heavens and dimensions! We'll show you our path through force!

"I... yeah," Peeta added.

"Rue's dead. She's not here anymore. But in my heart she lives on! Shooting arrows to pierce the heavens! Even if that arrow becomes my death, as long as it breaks through I'll be victorious! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?! I'm not some District 12 tribute. I'm ME! Katniss Everdeen! And I'M the one who's gonna kill YOU!"

Then I pushed him off and he got ripped apart by the muttations.

Go me.

/~/~/

"We get to go home!" Peeta said.

"Fuck yeah we do!" I agreed.

Then, there was a weird static noise and the voice of the Head Gamemaker dude sounded. "_Attention. We revoke that little rule we threw out. The Hunger Games can have only one winner. Thank you for your cooperation."_

Son of a bitch.

/~/~/

"Okay, Capitol people, listen up. The tomorrow we're trying to reach... is not a tomorrow you've decided on! We, by ourselves, choose our tomorrow from the infinite universe! We'll fight through it. We'll fight through it and protect the universe! We'll show you we can do it!"

I lifted up my handful of berries, and Peeta did the same.

"Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!" I declared.

"That's the District 12 way!" Peeta finished.

Glad to see he finally caught on.

And so we proceeded to eat the poisonous berries. Until the Gamemaker interrupted us and said we could win.

Eat that, President Snow.

* * *

I can't believe you actually got to the end of this. Thanks, bro.

Points if you can figure out where the quotes came from.


	2. My Servant, My Dog

President Snow stared at me.

I stared back, in complete and utter confidence because hey, I'm Katniss Everdeen and I just won the Hunger Games. Whether he liked it or not.

"I don't believe in your love with Peeta," he said.

"What love with Peeta - I mean, what're you talking about? I'm so totally head over heels for him. I think my life would end without him." I hoped my monotone wouldn't throw him off or anything.

His eyes narrowed in a really creepy way, and he decided to downright threaten me. Me. An innocent sixteen-year-old girl. "We can arrange that, you know," he said in a low voice.

Arrange that? You can _arrange_ it? Well, bitch please! 'Cause guess what?

"I'm not the kind of person who dies from being killed! I'm KATNISS EVERDEEN!"

/~/~/

"Yeah, so... I kinda let your girl tribute die," I said awkwardly.

Beside me, Peeta looked very awkward.

"She was super cool and all. I mean, she helped me with my wounds and stuff..."

I was getting blank stares from the district. Not cool, Eleven, not cool at all.

"I'm sorry."

/~/~/

Ten or so districts later I found myself at District Two.

"Frankly, both your tributes were just dicks, but at least Cato got to hear my epic speech before he died."

/~/~/

"Katniss."

Peeta suddenly knelt down on one knee, and I found myself feeling very uncomfortable. He seemed to be waiting for a response, so I blurted out, "KATNISS EVERDEEN."

He nodded. "Katniss Everdeen." He then took my right hand and held it in both of his. "Please, allow me to forever serve as your loyal servant... No, let me be your dog."

What.

"Marry me."

/~/~/

"You know, the best thing about winning the Hunger Games is that I don't ever have to do it again."

"But Katniss, it's the Quarter Quell this year," said my stylist.

"... fuckery."

/~/~/

And then, as if they were trying to rub it in my face or something, the tv announced, "The Quarter Quell this year will bring back all the past winners from past Hunger Games!"

Double fuckery.

/~/~/

My name was drawn. Big fucking surprise.

Weirdly enough, Haymitch (who?) was drawn for the male past victors, but Peeta, my new fiancee/dog, volunteered.

"I won't let you lay a hand on my mentor! I VOLUNTEER!"

Yes, he truly is worthy of being my bitch.

"Who the hell do you think I am?! I'm the victor of the 74th Hunger Games! Peeta Mellark! If you think you can beat me, go ahead and try! The only one who can beat me is me!"

Pause.

"And Katniss Everdeen!" I added.

"Right, that!"

/~/~/

Yeah, so, we went through all that random stuff that's required for Hunger Games tributes all over again. Like training and shit. Along the way I met some maybe-plot-important characters, like a super hot guy wearing a strategically knotted net, a bitch from Seven, and some old guys from Three.

We all made a super big alliance 'cause, you know, that's obviously just the smartest thing to do in the Hunger Games for the second time.

/~/~/

"The arena is a CLOCK!" one of the old guys from Three declared.

"Shock!" the rest of us exclaimed.

And then someone got devoured by monkeys.

/~/~/

"We must destroy the force field!" Beetee declared.

"But how?" The super hot guy asked.

Beetee didn't respond.

We waited.

Finally, he said, "That's right, bitches. You can't do it without District Three."

We waiited some more, because we figured we at least ought to give him his moment to shine.

"How does it feel now?!"

How does what feel now? We may never know.

/~/~/

I shot an arrow at the force field and got knocked out.

Son of a bitch. Never listening to District Three again.

/~/~/

I woke up on a helicopter a few hours, days, or months later. Apparently, while I was out, Peeta and the girl from Seven got captured and are maybe getting tortured at the Capitol. Also, District 12 got bombed.

See, this is what happens when I go to sleep. My dog gets beat up and my home is destroyed.

You guys can't do anything without me.


End file.
